I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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