I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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