my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
