Swine flu. Run for my life!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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