does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
