How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
