I just threw up on my dentist
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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