You can't motorboat a personality
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
