Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
