i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
