mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just high enough for therapy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
