Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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