I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
