I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
