...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
