my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
