She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
