You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
