Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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