i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I still have a little drunk in my system
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
