i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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