Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize