Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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