Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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