I cannot find my penis.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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