the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i think im in europe. pls send help
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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