This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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