Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize