if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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