Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
