I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
