my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
