Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize