I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
