One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
