He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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