Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
