He felt like a one man threesome
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
