Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
