just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
