Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
