I'm so fucking centered right now
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize