If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize