on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
