i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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