youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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