My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
