theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
