like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
