she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
