haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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