Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
