just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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