When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
