you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
