Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
