Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
