dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
