What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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