Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
