I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize