as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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