Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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