Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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