I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
