Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize