So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
