I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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