I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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