No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
