morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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